Over It

I don't know this feeling. Caring for someone, but not being able to tell them. Being so scared of the rejection, or rather the reaction of that person. I've never been so scared to admit my feelings to someone. I want them to go away. I don't want to be in love, I don't want to care about anyone but myself and my son. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be in any pain from a man. I'd rather be alone. 

New year!

It's a new year and a new me and I feel good. I got rid of the negative people in my life and started being more positive and pensive. I'm putting more of my energy and focus into my beautiful Noah and myself. I'm enjoying being single and loving myself and my body. I'm experiencing new things and I can actually say I'm happy. I will no longer let stress and other people get the best of me. 

Contemplating

So I'm running myself into the ground working two jobs trying to get back on my feet to have more for Noah, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not spending anytime with my son, nor do I have anyone left I really trust to watch him. I want to be the one with him everyday to make sure he's being taken care of the way I want him to. I'm stuck. Do I cut back on work to be a better mom, or do I keep working to be a good mom and provide for him? 

Out of my blues

I must sound like a broken record half the time. I'm up, then I'm down. I'm up and then I'm down again. Today, I want to change that. My own lack of self confidence and motivation is why I'm so unhappy with where I am in life right now. I'm starting a fire under my butt. I want Noah to always see me as a go getter and as a strong woman. I can't keep breaking down and wallowing in my own misery. I have two jobs now, I'm going back to school next semester with or without a car and I'm getting back on track. No more blues and sad days. 

Fog

I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm walkingn through a fog. A part of me feels like I'm right, the other half feels as if he's right, and I'm not being a good woman. I don't know. I don't trust myself anymore. I'm second guessing everything I do and say. I keep praying to god that I find some clarity. It hasn't came yet. I feel like I'm losing my grip to reality. What's real and what's not? Did I really just say that? Did that just happen? I'm alone. I feel that way. I'm not, but in my mind, there's no one. I'm starting to put all the pieces of me into a box. I'm hiding my emotions and thoughts. I don't feel right. Something's just not right. Loving Noah is probably the only thing that keeps me tied to this plane. He keeps my thin thread of sanity in tack. I love him more than anything in this world. I'm trying, I'm praying at every moment that I'm awake that I'll stay connected because of him. I have to make it because of him. No matter what. If I fail at everything else I do in life, I want to be an amazing mother to him. I'm starting to think as I type that maybe it's best I put all of me into a box inside. Then I can just focus on making a life for him. Being there for him. Showing him my painted on smile that I share with the world. My fake personality that shines so brightly and makes people think I'm so strong and independent. That's the mommy he loves. Not the mentally broken one. I'll make his life a happy one. He deserves it. At this point in mine? I'm not sure I deserve anything at all. I've lost so much and gained so little. Maybe  I am wrong...I don't listen, I'm not right? Am I the one fucking everything up? Do I destroy everything? I'm confused, I'm lost. I'm hurt..I don't know anymore. 

Lower

I've never felt so ashamed in my life. Something happened to me, and I can't get past it. I feel as if something inside me snapped. Something changed. I can barely think of the words to use to describe it. I don't feel the same. I feel broken and used up. I'm emotionally drained. My spirit feels like it's fading. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to who would understand what I'm going through and the changes that have been happening to me. I don't have anyone to love me. That more than any of the more important pressing matters in my life is bothering me the most. Maybe if I had that feeling, that support, I could press on and be strong in my attempts to re-build my life. It's nothing worse than feeling like your all alone in this world with no one to love you, no one to hold you, and tell you it's going to be okay. 

A new outlook at life

Today I realized thatof I keep thinking so small and negative that good things will not come my way. I have a new mindset and I'm running with it. It's time to buckle down, hustle and get my shit back on track. I got this! 👏👏👏👏