We fought so much and he hurt me so bad. When we talked last night he was almost in tears. He apologized for everything. It made me cry to see that he actually was back to the person I fell in love with almost 3yrs ago. I wish he would have woken up and seen he was such a dick months ago. But it felt so good to just here I'm sorry and I love you I miss you and I want to prove to you and our son that I'm better and I'm going to be here. I wish I was still in his arms. It felt so good after all this time. Especially when he was there in the hospital with me. I never thought that after this sunmer we had I would and could still love him but I do. I miss him more than ever since we're apart. I hate we had so many different people in our shit we just fell apart and exploded against each other. It should have turned out differently. I miss my chipmunk.

Stuck on fucking bed rest. Now I have to be at this house every fucking day all day. I hate my life. Why couldn't he have changed when I was still living with him?? Now he's different but I'm staying with my god parents. I wouldn't mind it but their so over bearing. I can't do shit and I can't see or talk to him. I feel like their trying to reduce me to feeling like in 12. Fuck that. I'm tired of bed rest already and it hasn't been a whole day yet. I hate this house. I hate being asked a million and one questions about every move I make I hate being lectures at every twist and turn and I don't want my mom thrown in my face every damn minute. I want to pull my hair in frustration. God last night was so scary but I was so happy to see him again. I've missed him so much. But I was so upset that it took me leaving him and ignoring him for him to grow up and change. But now I'm in this fucked up living situation and I feel like shit. I just don't want to be here anymore I feel trapped

So after everything this whole summer I'm left ass out but for the first time I think I'll be okay. I have my family and my baby who's arrival I'm awaiting and I couldn't be happier for the first time in a long time. The hurt I still do feel will pass eventually. Karma's a bitch right?

I hate feeling so alone during this pregnancy. I'm always sad especially now since I'm in school. I feel like I have no one to talk to at all about the way I feel an the changes thats happening to my body. I feel so isolated and lost.

He makes me feel so low that I do t even feel like a woman. I don't even feel human I feel like an object that's faded and tattered. I feel like I just want to disappear. I want to fade away and never be heard from again. I dream of waking up in dreams dreaming more and more of more dreams thoughtless thoughts free from all emotion. I dream about this. I want to let go and finally breathe again. I want to feel loved and safe. I'm so low I can't imagine what up feels like. Up is somewhere in the clouds where somebody loves you somebody cares up is where there's no pain none at all. I dream I'll find that place. I dream that I can make my own dream come true. I dream about this.

I can't believe he just accused me of cheating because I work so much! I work because I need money even though it never seems to go where I need it to then I'm stuck working even more. I hate my life. Every Night I dream I'll wake up in a better place I never do.

I realized today that as long as we're together I'll always be a broke bitter in debt evil bitch. I'll never be happy or fully satisfied. Misery will always be my name.

I dreamed of a better day last night, but then I awoke to my own personal hell again. Stuck in the same depressing place for yet another day. I fantasize about the day I can move back into my own place. The day I can get the hell out of this place finally. Right now I'm sitting here wondering how much longer it'll be. How much longer for the looks the stares the comments the attitude the front the lack of privacy the constant reminder of living in a dark hot ass basement when does it stop?? I dream it will. During the day the daydream makes me work harder. I work until I clock out thinking okay if I make this amount tonight I can pay this or that tomorrow and be closer to leaving. But it's never enough. I feel like my mind is swimming through blackness and I just wish that there was something I could do to instantly change my life.

If I fall any lower in life I fear I'll end up somewhere far worse than hell. Is there any way I can be saved?

I feel very awkward about my body now. My manager called me cow yesterday for ordering breakfast food after work. It made me feel bad. Like he's always making little comments and rude remarks about me and my weight. He always makes it a point to say how gorgeous his sister was when she was pregnant and how small she stayed and how she got her figure right back. Ugh it really makes me feel depressed that I have 5 months and some weeks left of being pregnant. My boyfriends no help either. He doesn't make me feel beautiful or even the slightest bit pretty. I feel like shit. Some days I feel so just off I just lay in bed and cry. I keep wondering when I'm going to feel that happiness that I see other expecting mothers feeling. Or least when I'll feel like I'm not completely alone. It hurts me every night to feel and be so alone but have to smile and pretend like everything's okay during the day.

Prego complaints :/

Ugh I feel fat and moody and just plain uncomfortable. I'm always hungry and I'm always crying. If I'm not eating or bawling my eyes out I'm sleeping or limping around on my swollen feet. I see why pregnant women only smile of their eating or when their about to
Drop their babies finally. I'm starting to show and I feel very self conscious about it. Everybody's starting to notice and I don't like it. I feel like I'm too big and ugh idk I just wish you could have a baby without being a gasey eating crying swollen burping hag. Hopefully things will get better as I get further along.

The dirty bastard I hope he fucking dies

Here we go again he's on a angry rampage and everyone is to blame. Is this what I'm in for for the next 18yrs ??? He's such a child. All he can do is blame every single problem on everybody else nothing is his fault. Nothing. It's frustrating. Everything no matter how small or how big is everybody else's fault. It's psychological hell. Pure hell. I thought I was going to sleep in and eat a yummy breakfast run my belly and feel the baby squirm around. But change of plans. I'm now sitting up in a weird ass depressed cold mood trying to shield my feelings so I don't cry and look like a weakling to his family who are now all awake and all around. I feel very embarrassed and irritated. I don't feel like eating anymore and I actually just want to go to work. Here they come wanting to talk and stir up trouble since he just stormed out. I hope tomorrow when I go to the doctors she can give me a number of somebody I can talk to. I don't want to be depressed my whole pregnancy. It was hard enough to deal with before now all my emotions are intensified. I'm hurting...and I need someone or something so nothing happens to my baby or me.

It's a never ending story with him. All I get is lie after lie after lie. It's gotten to the point where I dont believe anything he says. He could say I'll be right back going to the bathroom and I won't believe him. It's so frustrating being with someone like that. It's making me paranoid and constantly angry. I feel like I'm constantly getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. I'm always the one ending up fucked, I'm always the one ending up with nothing but fucking disappointment. I hate getting up everyday just because I know I'm going to be embarrassed and I'm going to get fucked over. It never fails.

I hate my fucking life right now. I feel so miserable and unhappy when all I want to do is be happy an prepare for my baby. God my baby's father is such a bastard he's so mean and refuses to be understanding to everything I'm going through. I'm so tired of crying an feeling so alone. I don't have anybody to talk to that understands me. It hurts so much not being able to communicate with anybody in my life. I feel isolated and confused. I miss my parents more than ever right now. I'm praying that my baby doesn't feel any of these emotions that I do. It would kill me to know that I'm making him or her said too.

He is so infuriating!! All he does is take and take and then get mad when you get tired of giving. I'm sick of being fucked over and shitted on and talked to like a fucking a dog. I wish I could honestly hate him so I didn't have to be around for this shit. I feel like I never get the side of him I want to see. I feel like I get the side that just wants to treat me like I'm an object he can do whatever he wants to. It hurts to think that this person I love this person who's child I'm having doesn't really love me. How can he of he acts the way he does. I he can do the things he does. I'm so tired emotional my brain feels like its going numb. I dream of dreams within a dream to feel a sense of peace and relief. I feel like I should happy at this time in my life but I feel so empty it hurts. I hope the baby doesn't feel the same emotions as me. I don't want him or her to feel sad and upset. I'm trying to not cry right now by staying angry at what he just said to me but the sadness just keeps coming. Hopefully I can just fall asleep soon so my brain can stop working for awhile. It's so hard to explain how tiring it is everyday to battle with him if that's w even the right way to word what we go threw everyday.

My dream is to move back to Reno with my best friend and my baby an finally be happy. I feel like there's no support or future here for us and life would just be better there. I hate being here its irritating being around so much negativity. I want people to at least be content with the decision I'm making with my life instead of telling me how much my life is going to suck or that I should have a abortion. I'm sick and tired of it. I don't want my baby around people who didn't even want him or her here in the first place. I've never felt so much love for somebody I haven't even met yet. I can't wait to share all my love with this baby. As long as I stick to my plan before my baby is one I'll be happily back in Nevada and finishing up my nursing degree. I'm determined to make a happy home for me and this child. Even if I don't have the support from my family. And I'm still pissed that the only other person I told besides the babies father told the whole family like wtf??? I keep all your secrets and you still betray me like that??? Some support. These next 6 months are going to be crazy.

I have no support in this situation. Even my best friend isn't backing my choice...how can I even make it threw this stage without at least some moral support? I don't wanna feel So alone in all this. I want at least a friend to talk to.

I feel so alone right now. At a time where I think I should be happy. I'm supposed to bringing life into the world and all around is negativity and pressure to give have an abortion. I understand everybody's point but isn't this my body? My life? Does it matter what I want? I feel so bad because I keep thinking it would be so much easier to give in to what ever oft else wants and just not have the baby. Then I could move away from this place and everyone in it....but I also feel as if I should keep my baby and fuck what everyone else thinks. Their not going to be the ones raising him or her so why do they care??? I wish I never told anyone about this... I wish the baby was still only my secret and I could move back home where I can raise my baby without all this extra shit.

I just said something to him four times in a row and I'm more than positive that he's still not going to do a word I said. It's like all he hears out of my mouth is fuck me over and do what you want.

Fucked myself again

So for some idiotic reason I'm back together with the person who makes my life a living hell. He makes me so angry I shake all over from head to toe. And to make matters worse I'm pregnant so now my angers amplified. I feel miserable every fucking day. If I'm not being left at work late or having to walk far asf after my shift then sit at a gas station until I find a ride I'm left stuck at somebody's house pissed off and sick as a dog. I work almost every single day on my feet for 8 or more hours at a time and this bastard still doesn't even have the respect for me to talk to me like he has some sense. He doesn't rub my back or my feet which have been swollen for over a month now. But he expects for me to hop up and rub him down so he can get a good nights sleep. It's depressing knowing I have to spend the rest of this time like this. I'm embarrassed everyday at work, I'm embarrassed everyday around his family. I feel like a dog. It's even worse because I know I deserve better and I still stay with this boy who treats me like a disposable toy. I yell at him and call him names but that doesn't do anything other than make matters worse. It's back to the point where I hate waking up in the morning. I have nightmares about being left at school and work with my baby or being stuck somewhere unable to get to my baby because he wants to go out and be with his friends or he has something better to do. It's makes me so sad I felt so good better then what I have in years when I broke up with him. And as we slowly got back together I felt like I was back to dying slowly. I any even describe the exact emotion I feel it's like having somebody hurt you in the worst way everyday then bitch you out because they want you to feel bad. They want you to suffer and decay and rot. That's how I feel about this thing we call a relationship. Everybody looks at me like a retard because I stay. He fucks me over every single day and never does he care. He sits there spits his usual talk looks at me like I'm stupid and that's it. Everything is supposed to be over because he said so. I'm about to lose my job again because I've been late so much because him running in the street is more important. I don't understand how I can hate him so much that I get stomach pains when I talk to him but at the same time I still love him. Why this boy try's to break me down on a daily basis. And I still let him back in. I don't understand why. I'm running around in circles staying with him. My worst fear is that I'll become one of those women who stay with a man who ain't shit for years and completely ruin their lives.

Now we cant talk because he's not in the mood. Okay but if you had some shit to say I better be all ears. I'm done having everything be your way like this shit is bk. life doesn't work that way. He says I always have an attitude I how him and I've changed. I haven't changed I'm growing the fuck up. I'm not about to keep letting you railroad me while you do what the fuck you want. I know I'm a damn good woman and I don't deserve this shit. Not at all. I don't treat you like a king anymore because you don't treat me like your queen. You don't honor me or respect me. You act like I'm just like every bitch that's out here and you know damn well it's true. You chose to keep slipping up, treating me like whatever. So now you have to deal with me being angry, being hurt, being fed up with all your nonsense. Shit after two years it might be too late to try and make a come back. I feel like I've waited long enough. And im not going to say your the worst bf ever. You can be kind, caring, loving, you listen, our can take away every bit of fear, and touch of loneliness with one tight hug and a long strong kiss. You can be supportive when you want to be and you provided when you had it. But all that's over shadowed by all the other shit you've done. I hate sounding like there's nothing positive to say but you have me so frustrated and tired it's all that I can see. You put in the least amount of effort that you have to and that I really don't get. If I'm asking you to show me something different then do that. If I keep seeing the same shit I'm going to stay angry. You catching an attitude with me for trying to talk things out by telling you what's on my mind isn't going to make shit better either. I don't wanna here the bullshit reason on why you don't feel like talking fine don't talk just fucking listen!! Understand that I'm tired and I work hard and at the end of my day I wanna be loved I want some attention, I wanna be talked to, I wanna feel like I'm coming home to my baby and not that black fucker.

Okay

Im so damn mad right now. How the fuck is it my fault that this shit is falling apart? I've spent the last two years waiting for him to fucking listen to what the fuck I'm saying about our relationship and now that I'm tired and fed of all the bullshit and I'm done trying its my fault? Wtf ever. I'm sick of being the one who's waiting at home at night. I'm sick of begging to be touched and kissed. I'm sick of being ignored and being out last behind his fucking friends. How the fuck can you sit there and act like you've bee. Nigga of the year when you haven't. You never hear shit I say. It goes in one ear and out the other. Then when I flip you always have the right shit to say or you flip out too and act like its because of me you don't care. It's because of me that we don't spend time together because I'm always mad. Duh fucker. Wouldn't you be mad if everyday somebody was always using your car and dropping you off? Never showing you affection? Never showed you fucking respect? Always wanna hang out with their friends and not you? Ignored your calls for hours? Lied to you even about dumb shit? Borrowed shit and then never pay you back? Mistreat your shit? Sell your shit? Blame you for shit that's going wrong in their life? Yeah I'm fucking mad. Ive been faithful for two years when you've cheated and had a baby on the side. I've helped you come up, I've had your back when there wasn't anybody else there. I was the one loving you and you can still sit there and act like I have no reason to be upset? Like I shouldn't be at that breaking point? Yeah theres se great times in our relationship, but at this point even the small shit is cutting that last thread. I love my chipmunk with all my heart. I wanted to grow old with him have kids, everything. But I s haven't seen real change. What's different from last year? Have you tried to help me like I've helped you when you need it? You can take any job as long as your bringing something to the table to make this shit less stressful. Yes relationships aren't all about money and yeah sometimes it takes someone awhile to get on their feet they need your support. I get that and I've been more than supportive. Yeah I can be a grade A bitch but dammit as stressed out as I am I can have a couple bitchy days. I have a boulder on my fucking shoulders and you never seem to care enough to help change that. It's always me catering to you. Me bending over backwards for you. I can't even get a rub down after busting my ass for a couple of dollars but you want one almost every night for what?? So yeah I turn into bitch of the year. When I come home the house looks and smells like shit. My car is nasty as hell, there's barely any gas in my tank and I know your either about to go to sleep once we get home or gonna ask for a damn massage. You don't and won't give me a back run some kisses nothing. But let one of our niggas call you'll jump right up and leave me all by myself. Or you'll drop me off somewhere and won't answer your phone until the next day. You say if the shoe was on the other foot you would let me drive your car and all the good shit. I don't believe it. Your too selfish. Well no you have your selfish moments. You turn into a 5yr old when you don't get our way and then bully and bully some more until you get what you want then sit there with an attitude because I'm not smiling. Wtf do I have to smile for? And I'm not pissed all the time. I'm pissed when you start to pull that same old bullshit and I already know how shit is about to go down. Yesterday was our anniversary and it was the most miserable day of my life. He didn't even hug me. He spent the whole day with his fucking friends. Then wondered why I was so mad later on. Why the fuck do you think I'm mad???

Two fucking years of my life done the fucking drain dumped like fucking trash on the side of the road?? Really after the shit you put me through you can toss me to the fucking side?? You'll never find another woman like me not in this life time. I hope you find somebody just like you. Maybe then you can see how it feels to have your heart stepped on and broken into little pieces

He's acting like a bitch ass little girl right about now. I'm so sick of him acting like he can do whatever the fuck he wants. I feel like this, if your going to keep disrespecting me and acting like a fucking 2yr old because shits not going your way then why the fuck are we together?? Why be with someone you feel like you gotta lie to every single day?? Why be with someone and you don't want to spend time with??

Sometimes I wish my dad never died and I never left nv. I miss that time when I had a ton of friends I had a dad a home a life...life was different slower...I never felt the things I've felt since I've been here...everything's always fucked up...the only thing I wanted when I got here was to feel the love I felt when I was in nv that helped me get threw everything.. I thought I found that in him...but...idk...I don't understand how the person who makes me feel like Im everything can also make me feel like I'm nothing ..it hurts so bad...I want that feeling again love...happiness...something

What???!

I'm so frustrated and boiling mad but idk why. My heads pounding I just wanna hit something! Ugh no i do know why. This fucker is in one of his bitch moods and it's pissing me off. What does he expect to happen?? You make dumb ass decisions, don't do shit to fix them then sit around looking stupid because something bad happened. Duh! He's so in-responsible I mean he loses everything wallets jewelry keys phones other people's shit money everything if his dick wasn't attached he would lose that too. Everything is always about helping him not hoeing him. He's always saying nobody does shit for him but every day I'm doing something for him giving him something. It's frustrating to hear somebody say over n over that your tryin to help them when that's all you do. It makes me jut wanna be a bitch all day.

Finding work

Today I'm going to go to some nursing homes and really get on my shit. I'm tired of not working. I feel like a loser being broke all the time. I got bills to pay and rent and there's literally no food in my house. I'm trying as hard as I can to find anything. I've even applied to fast food places. I just need a job.

It's over.

So me and chipmunk are over. It's a strange feeling to not be together anymore but I think it's for the best. Right now we're just not clicking and it's better that we just be friends. As much as I still love him I doubt that we'll get back together. The last couple of day have just been up and down. There's still some fighting and over things but, I think things will simmer out soon. He's going after what he wants and I'm going forward with what I want. All the free time I'll have being single will push me towards working on my shot gpa this summer. I gotta be on point with my grades this year. It's crunch time.

I want one day where I'm not mad sad depressed hungry anything. I wanna lay there and be content not happy or excited or whatever just content with life. Peaceful even.

No love

We don't even touch anymore. It's like every once in awhile I'll get a kiss or he'll touch me in a certain way...but every other time there's nothing. I don't feel special to him anymore....I don't feel as if he's even still attracted to me...this feels worse then all the fights and petty ass arguments. I miss being kissed on all over and held. Hell I miss having sex at least a couple times a week. The closest we get to each other is when we're sleep and sometimes not even that. He thinks I'm tripping as usual... I just want some affection or some attention anything to show that he still cares ...

.......

Ugh my bf is killing me. I can sort of live with the fact that we haven't ha sex in forever but we can't even cuddle or at least kiss on each other?? I'm a affectionate person and I need that touchy feely time. I can't stand only touching when we go to sleep. That sucks ass. Ever since we stopped fucking it seems like all the affection went out the window. I feel like I'm starving for that physical part of our relationship. :/ idk what to do. When I talk about it he saying I'm tripping or I'm being irritating. It makes me feel like he doesn't wanna touch me or something...I hope this shit changes soon. I miss being intimate with my baby.

3-17-12

Worst day of my fucking life!! I just got fired from the place I've worked for over a year and I have no idea wtf I'm going to do. I'm fucking broke rents coming up light bill phone bills due today I have to pay for my summer courses I'm so fucked I feel like such a complete and utter loser sitting outside crying waiting for a ride to come pick me up from Macy's I feel like shit this is happening at the worst fucking time ever I feel like I'm in a corner with no way out what do I do??

He really pushes my buttons. I just can't understand how he take my last and give me nothing in return. He talk to me how ever he wants, do what the fuck he wants, and act the way he wants but it cant be the same way with me. He's taken everything I had of value an sold it, he's broken me down to the very fiber of my being and made me feel as if I was like a worm. This man has me go through things I never thought I could. He's made me the happiest woman in the world than taken right back down the to the saddest. He makes me so mad sometimes my blood literally boils. I hate the way I love him when all I want is to hate him more than ever. He takes takes and takes and never gives me anything in return but his attitudes bullshit and sometimes I get a piece of the guy I fell in love with. Like right now he pushed and pushed until I gave him my car keys and he wanted my last four bucks. I'm beyond pissed an frustrated and yet I still have in. I always end up giving in and I hate myself every time I do. I feel like a piece of shit when I let him have his way and mistreat me and my stuff especially my car. He hasn't put shit into either one of my cars but he always wants to take it drive his dumb ass friends places and occasionally do the shit he's supposed to be doing. It's like nothing matters to him but his self and everybody that's in his life is just in it for the ride on tlb's roller coaster life. No matter what I'm going through or dealing with unless it effects him directly he doesn't give a fuck. But let it be him in the same position you better move hell and heaven to make something happen. He makes me question would he do for me what I do for him. I haven't seen it thus far. I want to though. I'm tired of having everything on my back and love for the person who's supposed to be in my corner helping me out so I can get all my stuff together. I want him working hard and me back to focusing on school one hundred percent. I'm tired of laying in bed worrying all the time about money.. And everything else in between. I worry all day and night about how I'm going to get here n there find work be able to pay for school eat ugh I'm jut a giant fuckin stress tube ready to explode. An here he is not worried about anything but tlb I don't know how much more I can take.

This sorry ass piece of shit bastard has done it again. Bitch keeps running off in my shit well after today I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. He's fucked up the trust that I've given him over and over again and I will not keep getting fucked and shitted on while his ass gets to do what the fuck he wants to every damn day I'm done with that shit it's over for. I'm not about to keep looking dumb after two years of the same stupid childish ass shit I'm threw with it. He will not keep taking everything I fucking do for his selfish ass for granted I'm done no more bending over for no thanks in return no more giving my last to just get nothing in return not even a little love. Fuck this fuck this fuck this I'm so fucking mad and upset and just fuck man I'm at a loss for words for the way I feel. I'm just done. Today was the last straw. I'm sick of being ignored mistreated unloved and just unhappy. If he's not going to give to me what I give him then this won't work anymore he has to put in the effort. Or I'm gone.

I just cant get over how pissed off I am right now. I've told this fucker all fucking day and last night I need to go do something important but what does this asshole do?? He fucking takes my car stays gone all day then fucking leaves again. Wtf bitch??? If you had something to do your irritating ass would be calling me non stop cussin me out and everything. But since it's him who doesn't have to do shit he doesn't give a flying fuck. I'm getting so fucking fed up with this one way street shit. Why is it that he can always get what the fuck he wants?? I Don't get anything I want or need?? Ugh I feel like I'm always getting the short end of the fucking stick. How many times do I have to keep bringing up the same shit over and over again? I spun like a fucking broken record. It's groundhogs day everyday now. He yells, argues, and smooth talks his way to get everything he wants while I'm just left to fucking deal with what Evers left. He makes me so upset and stressed out sometimes. I'm pissed off all the fucking time. The only time im not stressed and angry is when I'm fucked up now. If I'm not sober I feel like shit. I feel violent and depressed and just idk just fucking stuck. Like I'm not being heard and paid attention too and it's driving me crazy. Ugh I an hear his fucking voice already chill out marya your doing the most your tripping your being over dramatic your showing out your being a bitch your making your self mad your stressing your self out your making ugly faces your always mad I don't wanna see that shit everyday cheer up focus on the positive just chill I'm sorry everything's gonna work out its okay ugh just cut the bullshit man fuck! It's like all he can see is that he's always right and he doesn't do shit wrong. I wanna pull my hair and scream at the top of my lungs!! What can i do when I know I can never win in the situation?? It makes it even worse that I love him so much an so badly just want things to work and get better but there's a road block that's keeping that from happening... I hope somebody's drinking at my brothers house. I need a shot so that I can chill out before I attempt to talk to him about everything again. That is if he'll even listen. If my at least I'll be buzzed enough to say fuck it and go to sleep. I need all the rest I can get before my interview tomorrow. If I can get a good paying job at least I can focus on taking better care of myself and treat myself to things I want and need. I miss being pampered. Here's to getting my shit together.

My boyfriend is the most selfish bastard I have ever met in life. All he ever cares about is his self. If he needs or wants anything he wants you to bend over fucking backwards but when it's you he won't do shit. He doesn't fucking care. He just wants to use use use ugh he makes me so mad. It's always fuck what I need to do unless he's getting something out of it.

Worst day of my fucking life!! I just got fired from the place I've worked for over a year and I have no idea wtf I'm going to do. I'm fucking broke rents coming up light bill phone bills due today I have to pay for my summer courses I'm so fucked I feel like such a complete and utter loser sitting outside crying waiting for a ride to come pick me up from Macy's I feel like shit this is happening at the worst fucking time ever I feel like I'm in a corner with no way out what do I do??

Ugh my bf is killing me. I can sort of live with the fact that we haven't ha sex in forever but we can't even cuddle or at least kiss on each other?? I'm a affectionate person and I need that touchy feely time. I can't stand only touching when we go to sleep. That sucks ass. Ever since we stopped fucking it seems like all the affection went out the window. I feel like I'm starving for that physical part of our relationship. :/ idk what to do. When I talk about it he saying I'm tripping or I'm being irritating. It makes me feel like he doesn't wanna touch me or something...I hope this shit changes soon. I miss being intimate with my baby.

Wow. I have a interview Monday and a job call back from another company. I feel so much better I just hope that everything falls into place. :)

I should be happy that my car I getting fixed right now and that I have a ride to work. But I'm not. I'm too busy stressing about how I'm going to put gas in there so I can get to work tomorrow and for the rest of the week. I borrowed money from my brother that I have to pay back tomorrow ply my phone bill is due and so is the light bill. So Idk if I'm going to have anything left of my check to do anything. I keep staring at all the positive trying to stay out of the depressing shadow...I just want one week where I don't have to worry about food, money, gas, or anything else. I actually woke up mad asf just because I had to get up and out of bed. Sleeping has become like my coping mechanism. When I'm sleep everything is okay and plentiful. I know that's not reality though. I wonder when is the rainy days over? When I get to be carried instead of being the carrier? I say these words every single day but I'm tired. I don't want to be tired anymore. I miss being able to splurge and have fun pay everything on time and do what I want to do. I feel like I don't know exactly when things just went so wrong..i'll spend all day racking my brain for that answer.

Ugh I wasn't supposed to drink tonight... But it was there in my trunk... And with everything that's on my mind I just wanted to sleep tonight w/o All the thinking and waking up constantly worrying ugh...I know my bf is irritated with me...but I wish he would understand that..sometimes I just need an escape...and getting wasted as bad as it is.. Is just what I need...eventually I need a better way to cope with my stress and problems..but for now...I'll do what I know to cope and survive

I'm laying in bed feeling very weird I guess. I need to be up cleaning and doing my homework but I don't want to. My body's sore from work and I just wanna lay here. I keep thinking about how this week is or even the rest of this month in going to go. I have so much shit to do in what seems like no time at all..I'm tired of moving around so much being responsible for everything....I'm complaining again, and I remember saying I was to start thinking more positive. So eventually maybe around 12 or 1 I will get up and do what I need to do. Who knows life might just surprise me today. I might even go see my family today.

Feeling better😊

Idk why but today I felt so good an confident. I had my first interview with a nursing home, I cleaned up and got things a little more organized at home. Today was just really nice. Even though I'm at work which is always hell, today not even phased by the rude an ignorant people that come in here. I feel uplifted somehow. It's amazing. I hope I feel this good more often. It's nice to really real happy calm. It's a great change from irritated, angry or depressed. Yay me!!

This happens every single time ugh it's so damn frustrating. I hate it. Just because he doesn't get his way it's so irritating it makes me feel so just idk... I can't even find the words to describe how I feel. He always has to go to ten and just be so hurtful. He's so confusing one minute he's sweet and the next he's hateful and mean. He makes me feel like I'm shit. I men do low...I'm trying so hard right now not to try because we're around his family .. But did he have to demean me in front of everybody? Make me feel like scum? I just wanna curl up into a ball right now an disappear. He always had to make himself be right. No matter what he has to be right.

Falling down

I feel so crappy. It's easy to keep saying take it one day at a time and stay positive but damn it's hard as fuck to actually do. Everyday I try to keep it together in spite of things but this load is getting to be too much to bare. I'm depressed, my hairs falling out still from the stress and the bags under my eyes look like suitcases. I'm so tired and sad all the time. I feel like everyday I'm just painting on a smile and pretending that I'm okay. When the truth is I'm falling apart. All the walls are closing in on me and I have nowhere to turn. The only Time I feel okay is when I'm drinking or sleeping. At least then I'm not thinking or worried about everything that's going on. I keep wondering when life is going to turn around for me...

Confused

So me and my boyfriend have not had sex in over a month and I'm so confused on why. I mean what should I be doing that I already don't do?? He says it's nothing and I'm tripping but sex is a big factor in a relationship and out sex life is practically non exsistent right about now. Ughhh I hate this do much I miss being intimate with him

Hard times

So today I feel the whole world is shitting on me right now. I haven't had a check in almost two months since
my account is all fucked up, and it's going to take at least another month to start getting paper checks. I'm working all these hours just to still be in debt, hungry, stressed, tired, and broke as fuck. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and remember that schools still going good and any day now I should be getting my nurse assistant papers in the mail so I can start working. It's so hard...I want somebody to talk to or at least just blow off some steam with...it's times like this I miss my friends from Reno. Everything's all jumbled around in my head so my thoughts aren't straight and idk...there's too much racing through my mind right now...I don't think I'm making any sense and I want to snap. Going to pray and ask for my mother to look over me and guide me. I need it so bad.

New plan

Since everybody including myself thinks I'm the size of like ten whales then I'm going back on a special diet that I had in middle and high school. I would tell but then it wouldn't be as special now would it. I should see results very soon though. Oh me an chipmunk just got into a huge fight and idk how I feel about it. His tone can r so hateful so even when we sort of reach common ground I still feel like idk...all I know is I'm dieting as if right now and I'm going to make sure I have a nursing job by next week. By the time I start my summer semester in may I want to be at 35-45 pounds lighter And working 80hrs a week😊😊 wish me luck. I know this is going to be a long three months.

Troubled

My boyfriend is such an idiot. He spent the whole day doing exactly what I didn't want him to do, sleep and eat. I told him I finally wanted one day of him to myself and yet, I couldn't even get that. It's like he doesn't even care hat we're falling apart. I just want to spend time together and he acts as if that's asking for too much. The only time we talk is when he's picking me up or dropping me off somewhere. We never just sit and talk or be physical with each other. It hurts when you want that person so bad and yet they keep avoiding you at all costs. I want him to talk to me and be with me but he won't. I miss us. I miss him. I love him so much..but idk what to do about this. I keep warning him that I won't he around forever but yet he still dies the same things as before. I feel do lost and alone.. I keep drinking hoping it will numb my pain but all it does is put me to sleep only to awake to the same problem. Does he really love me or am I fooling myself into a beautiful lie?? God I wish guys were less complex. I feel so empty idk what to do. I want him back...but I'm sick of being hurt and alone. Why can't he put in the same effort that I am??? Why can't he just be honest with me?? Does he really love me?? Does he care??? Love hurts soo much..what do I do???

I passed!!!

Omfg I passed the test!!! Now I can start working as a Cna finally. Words cannot describe the happiness I'm feeling right now. Ah all I can say right now is relief.

The big test day!!

Ugh test day is here I'm scared nervous and completely on edge right now. And my dumb ass boyfriend is being a asshole right now. My glasses broke and I need him to drive me but he's being a lazy ass fuck right now and won't do it. Luckily his mom is so thank god for her. I don't understand why if I go over and beyond for him why can't he do the same for me??? I give so much in this relationship and yet I feel as if sometimes I get nothing in return. But anyways I'm going to try and focus on passing my exam. Wish me luck!!

All nerves

Agh my test is tomorrow and I'm sooo damn nervous. Everyone keeps saying I got this, but a part of me is scared that I might fail. But I have to keep thinking positive. Passing this test will open up so many doors for me, sonic have to keep the faith and just make it happen. Wish me luck!!

Worst valentines day ever!!!

It was supposed to be a great night out with my boyfriend but it turned out to be a night with him hanging out with his dumb ass friends and me being pissed off because he's being a stupid ass bitch. He never wants to anything with me at all and I can't fucking stand it. I'm too good of a woman to keep dealing with this childish ass shit.

Date night!!😍

I'm sooo excited for tonight it's been so long since me and chipmunk went out on a date. I'm glad it's with my niece and her man. They always have me laughing the whole night. I will be posting pics. 😉

A new outlook

It's been awhile since I've posted anything and so much has changed in my life since my last post. For one that sad lonely girl is gone, and a beautiful young woman has taken her place. I'm getting ready for my valentine so more details later. 💋💋