He is so infuriating!! All he does is take and take and then get mad when you get tired of giving. I'm sick of being fucked over and shitted on and talked to like a fucking a dog. I wish I could honestly hate him so I didn't have to be around for this shit. I feel like I never get the side of him I want to see. I feel like I get the side that just wants to treat me like I'm an object he can do whatever he wants to. It hurts to think that this person I love this person who's child I'm having doesn't really love me. How can he of he acts the way he does. I he can do the things he does. I'm so tired emotional my brain feels like its going numb. I dream of dreams within a dream to feel a sense of peace and relief. I feel like I should happy at this time in my life but I feel so empty it hurts. I hope the baby doesn't feel the same emotions as me. I don't want him or her to feel sad and upset. I'm trying to not cry right now by staying angry at what he just said to me but the sadness just keeps coming. Hopefully I can just fall asleep soon so my brain can stop working for awhile. It's so hard to explain how tiring it is everyday to battle with him if that's w even the right way to word what we go threw everyday.

My dream is to move back to Reno with my best friend and my baby an finally be happy. I feel like there's no support or future here for us and life would just be better there. I hate being here its irritating being around so much negativity. I want people to at least be content with the decision I'm making with my life instead of telling me how much my life is going to suck or that I should have a abortion. I'm sick and tired of it. I don't want my baby around people who didn't even want him or her here in the first place. I've never felt so much love for somebody I haven't even met yet. I can't wait to share all my love with this baby. As long as I stick to my plan before my baby is one I'll be happily back in Nevada and finishing up my nursing degree. I'm determined to make a happy home for me and this child. Even if I don't have the support from my family. And I'm still pissed that the only other person I told besides the babies father told the whole family like wtf??? I keep all your secrets and you still betray me like that??? Some support. These next 6 months are going to be crazy.

I have no support in this situation. Even my best friend isn't backing my choice...how can I even make it threw this stage without at least some moral support? I don't wanna feel So alone in all this. I want at least a friend to talk to.

I feel so alone right now. At a time where I think I should be happy. I'm supposed to bringing life into the world and all around is negativity and pressure to give have an abortion. I understand everybody's point but isn't this my body? My life? Does it matter what I want? I feel so bad because I keep thinking it would be so much easier to give in to what ever oft else wants and just not have the baby. Then I could move away from this place and everyone in it....but I also feel as if I should keep my baby and fuck what everyone else thinks. Their not going to be the ones raising him or her so why do they care??? I wish I never told anyone about this... I wish the baby was still only my secret and I could move back home where I can raise my baby without all this extra shit.

I just said something to him four times in a row and I'm more than positive that he's still not going to do a word I said. It's like all he hears out of my mouth is fuck me over and do what you want.

Fucked myself again

So for some idiotic reason I'm back together with the person who makes my life a living hell. He makes me so angry I shake all over from head to toe. And to make matters worse I'm pregnant so now my angers amplified. I feel miserable every fucking day. If I'm not being left at work late or having to walk far asf after my shift then sit at a gas station until I find a ride I'm left stuck at somebody's house pissed off and sick as a dog. I work almost every single day on my feet for 8 or more hours at a time and this bastard still doesn't even have the respect for me to talk to me like he has some sense. He doesn't rub my back or my feet which have been swollen for over a month now. But he expects for me to hop up and rub him down so he can get a good nights sleep. It's depressing knowing I have to spend the rest of this time like this. I'm embarrassed everyday at work, I'm embarrassed everyday around his family. I feel like a dog. It's even worse because I know I deserve better and I still stay with this boy who treats me like a disposable toy. I yell at him and call him names but that doesn't do anything other than make matters worse. It's back to the point where I hate waking up in the morning. I have nightmares about being left at school and work with my baby or being stuck somewhere unable to get to my baby because he wants to go out and be with his friends or he has something better to do. It's makes me so sad I felt so good better then what I have in years when I broke up with him. And as we slowly got back together I felt like I was back to dying slowly. I any even describe the exact emotion I feel it's like having somebody hurt you in the worst way everyday then bitch you out because they want you to feel bad. They want you to suffer and decay and rot. That's how I feel about this thing we call a relationship. Everybody looks at me like a retard because I stay. He fucks me over every single day and never does he care. He sits there spits his usual talk looks at me like I'm stupid and that's it. Everything is supposed to be over because he said so. I'm about to lose my job again because I've been late so much because him running in the street is more important. I don't understand how I can hate him so much that I get stomach pains when I talk to him but at the same time I still love him. Why this boy try's to break me down on a daily basis. And I still let him back in. I don't understand why. I'm running around in circles staying with him. My worst fear is that I'll become one of those women who stay with a man who ain't shit for years and completely ruin their lives.