Fog

I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm walkingn through a fog. A part of me feels like I'm right, the other half feels as if he's right, and I'm not being a good woman. I don't know. I don't trust myself anymore. I'm second guessing everything I do and say. I keep praying to god that I find some clarity. It hasn't came yet. I feel like I'm losing my grip to reality. What's real and what's not? Did I really just say that? Did that just happen? I'm alone. I feel that way. I'm not, but in my mind, there's no one. I'm starting to put all the pieces of me into a box. I'm hiding my emotions and thoughts. I don't feel right. Something's just not right. Loving Noah is probably the only thing that keeps me tied to this plane. He keeps my thin thread of sanity in tack. I love him more than anything in this world. I'm trying, I'm praying at every moment that I'm awake that I'll stay connected because of him. I have to make it because of him. No matter what. If I fail at everything else I do in life, I want to be an amazing mother to him. I'm starting to think as I type that maybe it's best I put all of me into a box inside. Then I can just focus on making a life for him. Being there for him. Showing him my painted on smile that I share with the world. My fake personality that shines so brightly and makes people think I'm so strong and independent. That's the mommy he loves. Not the mentally broken one. I'll make his life a happy one. He deserves it. At this point in mine? I'm not sure I deserve anything at all. I've lost so much and gained so little. Maybe  I am wrong...I don't listen, I'm not right? Am I the one fucking everything up? Do I destroy everything? I'm confused, I'm lost. I'm hurt..I don't know anymore. 

Lower

I've never felt so ashamed in my life. Something happened to me, and I can't get past it. I feel as if something inside me snapped. Something changed. I can barely think of the words to use to describe it. I don't feel the same. I feel broken and used up. I'm emotionally drained. My spirit feels like it's fading. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to who would understand what I'm going through and the changes that have been happening to me. I don't have anyone to love me. That more than any of the more important pressing matters in my life is bothering me the most. Maybe if I had that feeling, that support, I could press on and be strong in my attempts to re-build my life. It's nothing worse than feeling like your all alone in this world with no one to love you, no one to hold you, and tell you it's going to be okay.