Fml

So this week I was diagnosed with depression and got started on meds and that same day had a bad panic attack while driving and went to the hospital. To make things even better my boyfriend destroyed the front end of my car, which will now be in the shop for 3 weeks or more anx is going to cost 2 grand to fix. Like I even have it.....it feels like if life was a game I'd be losing it every day. I suck. These meds suck to. I feel like a fucking zombie. I haven't slept in over 24hrs my hands keep shaking and I'm broke already from paying bills so no cash for coffee or cigarettes :( the last two things that make me somewhat happy. I want peace..I'm really tired.

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down in a hole

Sometimes I wish I could go back to before my dad died and just run away or end it before my life turned into what it is now. It's so hard to stay positive and keep going when everyday I have to work harder to open my eyes, to smile, talk function...while I'm smiling in everybodys face pretending to be a happy college kid truth is I'm a ticking time bomb ready to scream fuck the world and just be at peace with my parents. All the joys in my life die more and more each day. I feel like I'm an old bitter bitch trudging along from class to work to this psychological Hell that should be home constantly thinking...I don't want to do this anymore...its like I'm fighting with this monster inside that's beating me down more and more...the more I try to fight back..be strong..keep my faith...the harder the monster hits me...I'm confused, I'm hurting, and I'm lost...I dont know what to do...god help me I'm going down.

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blank

Today was the scariest day of my life. I wanna say that it wasn't my fault...but it has to be....I mad him mad...I made him yell....its my fault right?? I feel like even with thoughts racing across my mind that my minds blank....I'm about to start my shift and I'm shaking all over and I haven't been able to look anyone in eye....I feel so ashamed that I mad him so mad and he almost got taken away....I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world...like I'm not worthy....I'm scum....I believe that every word he spat out at me was right I am a dumb bitch...there's nothing about me that's good or anything that's worth being with....I'm so ashamed...I didnt deserve his sympathy....I don't deserve anyone's I suppose....everything that happens is my fault...and like he says...I deserve the outcomes of what happens....I have to learn...I have too...I hate myself so much for wanting to cry I shouldn't even be thinking of it....I brought what happened upon myself...I deserve my punishments...I'm not a good person the way I think I am...I deserve this...if I do the right things and be a good gf he'll love me and things will get better...I know they will...I have to be better...I will be better for him...I will...

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