Feeling down and out

It's so fucking hard being a single mom. This not sleeping thing is driving me fucking crazy. These two hour and up feedings at 2 and 3 in the morning are beyond frustrating. It's to the point were I'm yelling at the baby and I know it's wrong. I'm just so wrung out and drained. I just tell him moments tired. But I know I'm yelling it and it brothers me. I'm just so damn tired. I have so much on my plate and life's been shitting on me so hard I feel like I'm going to break. I have all these fucked up thoughts in my head, it scares me sometimes. I know that I wouldn't do any of them but the fact that I still thought them worries me. I go to the doctor in a few days so hopefully he'll be able to help me sort things out. This feels worse than baby blues. I feel like a mad woman. I cry a lot randomly and it feels like I can't or just won't ever stop. I love my baby so much. He's a blessing. My blessing. But there's just something wrong with me that's blocking all the happiness I should be feeling when I look at him.

Dazed and confused

So I'm feeling like a complete and utter idiot. I'm still in love with my sons father and its making me feel crazy. He tells me one thing and then does another. He keeps saying he wants us to be a family and for us to get married one day and he's going to shape up get a good job and take care of me and Noah. But he's still out here slanging and hanging out late and not spending time with me and the baby. Looking at our son makes me cry because he looks so much like him and I want so badly for things to work out between us. I always thought that the person I had a baby with was going to be the person I married and spent the rest of my life with. I don't want to give him all my heart again just to have it broken and end up alone with a baby. Everybody still hates him and gives me shit for still loving him, but how can I shut those feelings off after everything we've been through together? He's my first love. There's nothing he doesn't know about me. I loved his man with every fiber of my soul. No matter how mad I am at him seeing his face makes me smile and my heart melts away any ice that was there. I miss having him around me. I love it when he's around me and our son. I feel so peaceful watching them together. I just wish I knew if he's really going to change completely or not

Feeling insane

I'm so irritated with people and they're comments about me, my baby, and my situation. If I wanted to talk about it or wanted your advice I would ask for it. It's bad enough I have to deal with these baby blues now I have to deal with everybody mouth. I feel so overwhelmed and idk crazy. I'm around everybody right now and I just want to disappear with my baby. It's too much being around everyone. Nobody has any positive comments its just all bullshit. I can't wait to leave.