Feeling down and out

It's so fucking hard being a single mom. This not sleeping thing is driving me fucking crazy. These two hour and up feedings at 2 and 3 in the morning are beyond frustrating. It's to the point were I'm yelling at the baby and I know it's wrong. I'm just so wrung out and drained. I just tell him moments tired. But I know I'm yelling it and it brothers me. I'm just so damn tired. I have so much on my plate and life's been shitting on me so hard I feel like I'm going to break. I have all these fucked up thoughts in my head, it scares me sometimes. I know that I wouldn't do any of them but the fact that I still thought them worries me. I go to the doctor in a few days so hopefully he'll be able to help me sort things out. This feels worse than baby blues. I feel like a mad woman. I cry a lot randomly and it feels like I can't or just won't ever stop. I love my baby so much. He's a blessing. My blessing. But there's just something wrong with me that's blocking all the happiness I should be feeling when I look at him.

Dazed and confused

So I'm feeling like a complete and utter idiot. I'm still in love with my sons father and its making me feel crazy. He tells me one thing and then does another. He keeps saying he wants us to be a family and for us to get married one day and he's going to shape up get a good job and take care of me and Noah. But he's still out here slanging and hanging out late and not spending time with me and the baby. Looking at our son makes me cry because he looks so much like him and I want so badly for things to work out between us. I always thought that the person I had a baby with was going to be the person I married and spent the rest of my life with. I don't want to give him all my heart again just to have it broken and end up alone with a baby. Everybody still hates him and gives me shit for still loving him, but how can I shut those feelings off after everything we've been through together? He's my first love. There's nothing he doesn't know about me. I loved his man with every fiber of my soul. No matter how mad I am at him seeing his face makes me smile and my heart melts away any ice that was there. I miss having him around me. I love it when he's around me and our son. I feel so peaceful watching them together. I just wish I knew if he's really going to change completely or not

Feeling insane

I'm so irritated with people and they're comments about me, my baby, and my situation. If I wanted to talk about it or wanted your advice I would ask for it. It's bad enough I have to deal with these baby blues now I have to deal with everybody mouth. I feel so overwhelmed and idk crazy. I'm around everybody right now and I just want to disappear with my baby. It's too much being around everyone. Nobody has any positive comments its just all bullshit. I can't wait to leave.

The arrival of baby Noah

So my beautiful baby boy Noah finally arrived into the world on 01-28-2013 @ 2:30pm after 12hrs of labor. I love this little guy so much it's overwhelming. I haven't slept more than 8hrs since I gave birth but every time I look at him it's worth every moment I spend awake. He's my perfect little man. I feel like I would do anything for him. He's the center of my universe now. I'm going to enjoy every single second of being his mother.

Still pregnant!! And tired of people!

So I'm two days away from my due date and I'm beyond miserable right now. I'm so sick of the texts and phone calls asking if I had the baby when clearly I have not. If I had I would be posting pictures and talking about it. I'm sick of being told how big I am and getting very unwanted baby advice from people. Shut the fuck up already I don't want anymore advice!!! And I'm very at my limit with people trashing me because I want a natural birth. Like its the worst thing ever or something. Are you mad because you couldn't do it?? Everybody keeps saying well you don't know how painful it is your going to want medicine. Whatever okay. I know what I want for me and my baby so what's the fucking problem?? Why is it your business what type of birth I have? Why do you care? Ugh then comes the oh he's going to be like this or that. Shut the hell up!! Nobody not even me knows how my baby boy is going to be. Stop trying to label my child when he's still in the womb. Leave him be.

L&D

So I've been in L&D for a little over 2hrs now but I'm not in active labor which sucks major ass. They keep saying I'm about to be released but then another nurse walks in and says well we just want to monitor you a little but longer. Ugh I'm hungry, irritated, and ready to go home. I'm only 2cm still and 70% effected. I'm just at the point were I'm just gonna stop thinking about labor so maybe it'll come sooner. I just want to finally be comfortable.

Finally 9 months!!!

Okay so I'm 39 weeks pregnant and I'm beyond miserable!! I'm huge, swollen, I haven't seen my vagina since I was 5 months pregnant, I can't see my feet without laying down, people are always trying to rub my belly, guys are always staring at my engorged breasts and making creepy comments, I'm emotional as hell, I'm peeing every 15mins, I'm never comfortable because I'm so sore and huge, I'm always hungry now, my nipples are always killing me (I've discovered nipple cream now so their not as bad) I can't breath most of the time, it's hard to get enough sleep which sucks because I'm always sleepy. Gosh how do women do these more than once?!?! I can't take it anymore I'm so ready to drop this baby!!! I just want him in my arms already. And starting to get my body back is most definitely a major thought on my mind.

Update

It's been a long time since I've posted anything and so much has happened. I'm no longer living with my god mom which is for the better. I'm super fat and ready to drop this baby ( I'll cover that more in another post lol). After me and Troy had that long talk he went right back to being a complete asshole. We barely talk, he acts like I'm just some girl so at this point even though I'm hurt I'm just over all this. I've had to go through everything dealing with this pregnancy on my own so it makes sense that I'll be raising Noah on my own. My family's really come through these past couple of weeks and have helped me get everything I need for the baby. I'm staying with my nieces friend right now which is good but crazy at the same time. It's good because its free and I don't have to worry about me not having any source of income for now, but the girl is a total pig. She's not here often but when she is she makes enough mess for ten 5yr olds. It's so annoying that a grown ass woman can't even pick her dirty ass panties off the ground or properly dispose of her nasty ass pads. Her dogs pisses and shits wherever it wants and she doesn't care. She doesn't wash dishes pick her clothes up off the ground or make any effort to clean anything. She'll have company and not care that her house looks like pigs live in it. I've talked to her about it but she doesn't care. But that's the price of living somewhere for free. My depression has gotten a little bit better. I've stopped isolating myself as much and I'm trying to talk to people about the way I feel. Lol wow this post is so random but I've had so much pent up inside of me and it feels good to get it all out.