New direction

So today I had a sort of revelation. I decided that I'm going to go back to nursing. I'm going to stop attending Wayne state and go to Wcccd and start my program there to get my license. I've tried so hard this last year trying to see myself doing something else for the rest of my life and the only thing I keep coming back to is my dream of becoming a nurse and maybe one day a nurse midwife. I feel so right about this. I just wish I wouldn't have wasted this last year not applying myself towards that goal. But all that matters now is I know what I want to do and how to do it. Once the spring semester starts I'll be taking my first steps towards my life goal. I feel that trickle of happiness starting to come down again. :) 

It's been so long since I've posted anything. I've been through so much in this last year. Noah's almost one now and his biological father is still not in the picture. I have met someone since who is proud to call him his son. He's a wonderful man, but I still sometimes wonder am I wanting too much. WhatI mean is...I've always wanted that until death do us part, passionate, unconditional love that I've always seen on movies and t.v. show. I want to be loved so badly it burns a hole inside my heart. I know this man loves me, but sometimes he seems so...i don't know...indifferent and angry...I think it's me. He makes me happy he does. He loves my son as if he were his own. He provides like  man should....but still...there's something I'm not doing right as always. I can never seem to please the men in my life...nor anyone else. I'm coming to believe that it's because I'm fucked up..or I'm just a selfish cunt who wants her cake and to eat it too...This is a whole new year..I should be a new person. I
m a mother now. I'm a grown ass woman...but I'm still shattered into a million little pieces trying to put myself back together again. Here I go again rambling about my depressing ass thoughts and random thoughts about love and whats wrong with me. I guess somethings stay the same right?? The one thing I can say that positive and good is my beautiful son Noah. He's all I have, all I need, all I want. He loves me no matter what I do or say....Although again for me...that's not enough...I want a companion that will be with me always...