Contemplating

So I'm running myself into the ground working two jobs trying to get back on my feet to have more for Noah, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not spending anytime with my son, nor do I have anyone left I really trust to watch him. I want to be the one with him everyday to make sure he's being taken care of the way I want him to. I'm stuck. Do I cut back on work to be a better mom, or do I keep working to be a good mom and provide for him? 

Out of my blues

I must sound like a broken record half the time. I'm up, then I'm down. I'm up and then I'm down again. Today, I want to change that. My own lack of self confidence and motivation is why I'm so unhappy with where I am in life right now. I'm starting a fire under my butt. I want Noah to always see me as a go getter and as a strong woman. I can't keep breaking down and wallowing in my own misery. I have two jobs now, I'm going back to school next semester with or without a car and I'm getting back on track. No more blues and sad days. 

Fog

I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm walkingn through a fog. A part of me feels like I'm right, the other half feels as if he's right, and I'm not being a good woman. I don't know. I don't trust myself anymore. I'm second guessing everything I do and say. I keep praying to god that I find some clarity. It hasn't came yet. I feel like I'm losing my grip to reality. What's real and what's not? Did I really just say that? Did that just happen? I'm alone. I feel that way. I'm not, but in my mind, there's no one. I'm starting to put all the pieces of me into a box. I'm hiding my emotions and thoughts. I don't feel right. Something's just not right. Loving Noah is probably the only thing that keeps me tied to this plane. He keeps my thin thread of sanity in tack. I love him more than anything in this world. I'm trying, I'm praying at every moment that I'm awake that I'll stay connected because of him. I have to make it because of him. No matter what. If I fail at everything else I do in life, I want to be an amazing mother to him. I'm starting to think as I type that maybe it's best I put all of me into a box inside. Then I can just focus on making a life for him. Being there for him. Showing him my painted on smile that I share with the world. My fake personality that shines so brightly and makes people think I'm so strong and independent. That's the mommy he loves. Not the mentally broken one. I'll make his life a happy one. He deserves it. At this point in mine? I'm not sure I deserve anything at all. I've lost so much and gained so little. Maybe  I am wrong...I don't listen, I'm not right? Am I the one fucking everything up? Do I destroy everything? I'm confused, I'm lost. I'm hurt..I don't know anymore. 

Lower

I've never felt so ashamed in my life. Something happened to me, and I can't get past it. I feel as if something inside me snapped. Something changed. I can barely think of the words to use to describe it. I don't feel the same. I feel broken and used up. I'm emotionally drained. My spirit feels like it's fading. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to who would understand what I'm going through and the changes that have been happening to me. I don't have anyone to love me. That more than any of the more important pressing matters in my life is bothering me the most. Maybe if I had that feeling, that support, I could press on and be strong in my attempts to re-build my life. It's nothing worse than feeling like your all alone in this world with no one to love you, no one to hold you, and tell you it's going to be okay. 

A new outlook at life

Today I realized thatof I keep thinking so small and negative that good things will not come my way. I have a new mindset and I'm running with it. It's time to buckle down, hustle and get my shit back on track. I got this! 👏👏👏👏

Moving forward, yet backwards

I've been working on bettering myself lately. I finally got my case closed for my little incident. Which is a major load off my back. I've paid off a large chunk of my debt this year, which is also very awesome. But I feel like in everything I'm trying to do its all falling apart. My relationship or what was my relationship failed misrrably. My childcare situation is fucked up, job still sucks, schools getting better but feels like it's taking so long for me to make progress. I want to get a solid foundation going for Noah and I'm just fucking up more and more. I want to make some real progress and I don't know where to start. I'm making small steps, but they seem to small to make a big difference. Maybe I'm trying to move too fast, or I'm not seeing what I'm doing is making a change, but I'm just not seeing it yet. I've burnt a lot of bridges trying to figure myself and my life out. I'm stuck with me, myself, and I and google for all my advice and guidance. Which is my fault. I never listened to people over the last few years. I could've avoided some bumps in the road if I would've. But I also wouldn't have learned why those were the wrong choices and descions. I'm lost. I want to know, no I need to know what's the right direction. I don't want to be poor and in established my whole life. I want to be the kind of mom my son can stand back and say that I was strong and I provided anything and everything for him. 

Random thought

I sometimes feel as if I'm literally ripping myself to pieces. When will I learn to stop making the same mistakes over and over again? 

It's over

I don't know how to feel right now. He just hurt me down to my very core. I feel like I can't breath. I'm shaking all over. I want to scream!!! Anything just to feel something hear something...anything....I didn't want to encounter this low, lonely feeling...I don't deserve this darkness..it's not fair. 

New direction

So today I had a sort of revelation. I decided that I'm going to go back to nursing. I'm going to stop attending Wayne state and go to Wcccd and start my program there to get my license. I've tried so hard this last year trying to see myself doing something else for the rest of my life and the only thing I keep coming back to is my dream of becoming a nurse and maybe one day a nurse midwife. I feel so right about this. I just wish I wouldn't have wasted this last year not applying myself towards that goal. But all that matters now is I know what I want to do and how to do it. Once the spring semester starts I'll be taking my first steps towards my life goal. I feel that trickle of happiness starting to come down again. :) 

It's been so long since I've posted anything. I've been through so much in this last year. Noah's almost one now and his biological father is still not in the picture. I have met someone since who is proud to call him his son. He's a wonderful man, but I still sometimes wonder am I wanting too much. WhatI mean is...I've always wanted that until death do us part, passionate, unconditional love that I've always seen on movies and t.v. show. I want to be loved so badly it burns a hole inside my heart. I know this man loves me, but sometimes he seems so...i don't know...indifferent and angry...I think it's me. He makes me happy he does. He loves my son as if he were his own. He provides like  man should....but still...there's something I'm not doing right as always. I can never seem to please the men in my life...nor anyone else. I'm coming to believe that it's because I'm fucked up..or I'm just a selfish cunt who wants her cake and to eat it too...This is a whole new year..I should be a new person. I
m a mother now. I'm a grown ass woman...but I'm still shattered into a million little pieces trying to put myself back together again. Here I go again rambling about my depressing ass thoughts and random thoughts about love and whats wrong with me. I guess somethings stay the same right?? The one thing I can say that positive and good is my beautiful son Noah. He's all I have, all I need, all I want. He loves me no matter what I do or say....Although again for me...that's not enough...I want a companion that will be with me always...