I want one day where I'm not mad sad depressed hungry anything. I wanna lay there and be content not happy or excited or whatever just content with life. Peaceful even.

No love

We don't even touch anymore. It's like every once in awhile I'll get a kiss or he'll touch me in a certain way...but every other time there's nothing. I don't feel special to him anymore....I don't feel as if he's even still attracted to me...this feels worse then all the fights and petty ass arguments. I miss being kissed on all over and held. Hell I miss having sex at least a couple times a week. The closest we get to each other is when we're sleep and sometimes not even that. He thinks I'm tripping as usual... I just want some affection or some attention anything to show that he still cares ...

.......

Ugh my bf is killing me. I can sort of live with the fact that we haven't ha sex in forever but we can't even cuddle or at least kiss on each other?? I'm a affectionate person and I need that touchy feely time. I can't stand only touching when we go to sleep. That sucks ass. Ever since we stopped fucking it seems like all the affection went out the window. I feel like I'm starving for that physical part of our relationship. :/ idk what to do. When I talk about it he saying I'm tripping or I'm being irritating. It makes me feel like he doesn't wanna touch me or something...I hope this shit changes soon. I miss being intimate with my baby.

3-17-12

Worst day of my fucking life!! I just got fired from the place I've worked for over a year and I have no idea wtf I'm going to do. I'm fucking broke rents coming up light bill phone bills due today I have to pay for my summer courses I'm so fucked I feel like such a complete and utter loser sitting outside crying waiting for a ride to come pick me up from Macy's I feel like shit this is happening at the worst fucking time ever I feel like I'm in a corner with no way out what do I do??

He really pushes my buttons. I just can't understand how he take my last and give me nothing in return. He talk to me how ever he wants, do what the fuck he wants, and act the way he wants but it cant be the same way with me. He's taken everything I had of value an sold it, he's broken me down to the very fiber of my being and made me feel as if I was like a worm. This man has me go through things I never thought I could. He's made me the happiest woman in the world than taken right back down the to the saddest. He makes me so mad sometimes my blood literally boils. I hate the way I love him when all I want is to hate him more than ever. He takes takes and takes and never gives me anything in return but his attitudes bullshit and sometimes I get a piece of the guy I fell in love with. Like right now he pushed and pushed until I gave him my car keys and he wanted my last four bucks. I'm beyond pissed an frustrated and yet I still have in. I always end up giving in and I hate myself every time I do. I feel like a piece of shit when I let him have his way and mistreat me and my stuff especially my car. He hasn't put shit into either one of my cars but he always wants to take it drive his dumb ass friends places and occasionally do the shit he's supposed to be doing. It's like nothing matters to him but his self and everybody that's in his life is just in it for the ride on tlb's roller coaster life. No matter what I'm going through or dealing with unless it effects him directly he doesn't give a fuck. But let it be him in the same position you better move hell and heaven to make something happen. He makes me question would he do for me what I do for him. I haven't seen it thus far. I want to though. I'm tired of having everything on my back and love for the person who's supposed to be in my corner helping me out so I can get all my stuff together. I want him working hard and me back to focusing on school one hundred percent. I'm tired of laying in bed worrying all the time about money.. And everything else in between. I worry all day and night about how I'm going to get here n there find work be able to pay for school eat ugh I'm jut a giant fuckin stress tube ready to explode. An here he is not worried about anything but tlb I don't know how much more I can take.

This sorry ass piece of shit bastard has done it again. Bitch keeps running off in my shit well after today I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. He's fucked up the trust that I've given him over and over again and I will not keep getting fucked and shitted on while his ass gets to do what the fuck he wants to every damn day I'm done with that shit it's over for. I'm not about to keep looking dumb after two years of the same stupid childish ass shit I'm threw with it. He will not keep taking everything I fucking do for his selfish ass for granted I'm done no more bending over for no thanks in return no more giving my last to just get nothing in return not even a little love. Fuck this fuck this fuck this I'm so fucking mad and upset and just fuck man I'm at a loss for words for the way I feel. I'm just done. Today was the last straw. I'm sick of being ignored mistreated unloved and just unhappy. If he's not going to give to me what I give him then this won't work anymore he has to put in the effort. Or I'm gone.

I just cant get over how pissed off I am right now. I've told this fucker all fucking day and last night I need to go do something important but what does this asshole do?? He fucking takes my car stays gone all day then fucking leaves again. Wtf bitch??? If you had something to do your irritating ass would be calling me non stop cussin me out and everything. But since it's him who doesn't have to do shit he doesn't give a flying fuck. I'm getting so fucking fed up with this one way street shit. Why is it that he can always get what the fuck he wants?? I Don't get anything I want or need?? Ugh I feel like I'm always getting the short end of the fucking stick. How many times do I have to keep bringing up the same shit over and over again? I spun like a fucking broken record. It's groundhogs day everyday now. He yells, argues, and smooth talks his way to get everything he wants while I'm just left to fucking deal with what Evers left. He makes me so upset and stressed out sometimes. I'm pissed off all the fucking time. The only time im not stressed and angry is when I'm fucked up now. If I'm not sober I feel like shit. I feel violent and depressed and just idk just fucking stuck. Like I'm not being heard and paid attention too and it's driving me crazy. Ugh I an hear his fucking voice already chill out marya your doing the most your tripping your being over dramatic your showing out your being a bitch your making your self mad your stressing your self out your making ugly faces your always mad I don't wanna see that shit everyday cheer up focus on the positive just chill I'm sorry everything's gonna work out its okay ugh just cut the bullshit man fuck! It's like all he can see is that he's always right and he doesn't do shit wrong. I wanna pull my hair and scream at the top of my lungs!! What can i do when I know I can never win in the situation?? It makes it even worse that I love him so much an so badly just want things to work and get better but there's a road block that's keeping that from happening... I hope somebody's drinking at my brothers house. I need a shot so that I can chill out before I attempt to talk to him about everything again. That is if he'll even listen. If my at least I'll be buzzed enough to say fuck it and go to sleep. I need all the rest I can get before my interview tomorrow. If I can get a good paying job at least I can focus on taking better care of myself and treat myself to things I want and need. I miss being pampered. Here's to getting my shit together.

My boyfriend is the most selfish bastard I have ever met in life. All he ever cares about is his self. If he needs or wants anything he wants you to bend over fucking backwards but when it's you he won't do shit. He doesn't fucking care. He just wants to use use use ugh he makes me so mad. It's always fuck what I need to do unless he's getting something out of it.

Worst day of my fucking life!! I just got fired from the place I've worked for over a year and I have no idea wtf I'm going to do. I'm fucking broke rents coming up light bill phone bills due today I have to pay for my summer courses I'm so fucked I feel like such a complete and utter loser sitting outside crying waiting for a ride to come pick me up from Macy's I feel like shit this is happening at the worst fucking time ever I feel like I'm in a corner with no way out what do I do??

Ugh my bf is killing me. I can sort of live with the fact that we haven't ha sex in forever but we can't even cuddle or at least kiss on each other?? I'm a affectionate person and I need that touchy feely time. I can't stand only touching when we go to sleep. That sucks ass. Ever since we stopped fucking it seems like all the affection went out the window. I feel like I'm starving for that physical part of our relationship. :/ idk what to do. When I talk about it he saying I'm tripping or I'm being irritating. It makes me feel like he doesn't wanna touch me or something...I hope this shit changes soon. I miss being intimate with my baby.

Wow. I have a interview Monday and a job call back from another company. I feel so much better I just hope that everything falls into place. :)

I should be happy that my car I getting fixed right now and that I have a ride to work. But I'm not. I'm too busy stressing about how I'm going to put gas in there so I can get to work tomorrow and for the rest of the week. I borrowed money from my brother that I have to pay back tomorrow ply my phone bill is due and so is the light bill. So Idk if I'm going to have anything left of my check to do anything. I keep staring at all the positive trying to stay out of the depressing shadow...I just want one week where I don't have to worry about food, money, gas, or anything else. I actually woke up mad asf just because I had to get up and out of bed. Sleeping has become like my coping mechanism. When I'm sleep everything is okay and plentiful. I know that's not reality though. I wonder when is the rainy days over? When I get to be carried instead of being the carrier? I say these words every single day but I'm tired. I don't want to be tired anymore. I miss being able to splurge and have fun pay everything on time and do what I want to do. I feel like I don't know exactly when things just went so wrong..i'll spend all day racking my brain for that answer.

Ugh I wasn't supposed to drink tonight... But it was there in my trunk... And with everything that's on my mind I just wanted to sleep tonight w/o All the thinking and waking up constantly worrying ugh...I know my bf is irritated with me...but I wish he would understand that..sometimes I just need an escape...and getting wasted as bad as it is.. Is just what I need...eventually I need a better way to cope with my stress and problems..but for now...I'll do what I know to cope and survive

I'm laying in bed feeling very weird I guess. I need to be up cleaning and doing my homework but I don't want to. My body's sore from work and I just wanna lay here. I keep thinking about how this week is or even the rest of this month in going to go. I have so much shit to do in what seems like no time at all..I'm tired of moving around so much being responsible for everything....I'm complaining again, and I remember saying I was to start thinking more positive. So eventually maybe around 12 or 1 I will get up and do what I need to do. Who knows life might just surprise me today. I might even go see my family today.

Feeling better😊

Idk why but today I felt so good an confident. I had my first interview with a nursing home, I cleaned up and got things a little more organized at home. Today was just really nice. Even though I'm at work which is always hell, today not even phased by the rude an ignorant people that come in here. I feel uplifted somehow. It's amazing. I hope I feel this good more often. It's nice to really real happy calm. It's a great change from irritated, angry or depressed. Yay me!!

This happens every single time ugh it's so damn frustrating. I hate it. Just because he doesn't get his way it's so irritating it makes me feel so just idk... I can't even find the words to describe how I feel. He always has to go to ten and just be so hurtful. He's so confusing one minute he's sweet and the next he's hateful and mean. He makes me feel like I'm shit. I men do low...I'm trying so hard right now not to try because we're around his family .. But did he have to demean me in front of everybody? Make me feel like scum? I just wanna curl up into a ball right now an disappear. He always had to make himself be right. No matter what he has to be right.