stuck

I feel like I don't know shit. I never know what to do with my life I never know how to deal with my issues and I Damn sure don't know what to do with my relationship. I'm always either feeling really depressed about it all or over the top angry. When I'm happy I feel free and so high up that nobody can bring me down...until I am down and I feel like I'm just the worst human being alive...my head is banging right now and I feel like curling up into a ball. But its not the place...and hopefully soon I can get really wasteful and not feel this way...I won't be happy but at i'll be beautifully numb...I guess that's the goal if true happiness can't be achieved.

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on my mind

I think peace and happiness only comes when you die. Lifes full of so much pain and grief..so when death comes for you you'll welcome him with open and willing arms.

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idk

I feel so conflicted with what I'm doing in life. Everyday it's the same old bullshit and I want something more..I want to run away and be free. Free from everything that's holding me down making me feel suffocated. I'm running out of air here...I want a taste of freedom so bad....I feel it in my bones that there's something more for me out there...this isn't were my life should end..

peace?

All I want is peace, but I can never seem to find it. I wonder how far I'll have to go to find it

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drowning

I feel like I'm drowning with rocks in my pocket and the deeper I go the more cold and tired I feel. I keep trying to tell myself things will get better and I'll make a way..but its starting to sound like I'm lying to myself. Maybe I am...

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tired

It's harder now...to convince myself that this life is worth it. I'm so tired..I want to go away.

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peace

I feel like I've reached the point were I'm just so tired...I just want to sleep...I want to be at peace with myself...and with everything else. I know what everybody else thinks...but they don't truly know.

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Fml

So this week I was diagnosed with depression and got started on meds and that same day had a bad panic attack while driving and went to the hospital. To make things even better my boyfriend destroyed the front end of my car, which will now be in the shop for 3 weeks or more anx is going to cost 2 grand to fix. Like I even have it.....it feels like if life was a game I'd be losing it every day. I suck. These meds suck to. I feel like a fucking zombie. I haven't slept in over 24hrs my hands keep shaking and I'm broke already from paying bills so no cash for coffee or cigarettes :( the last two things that make me somewhat happy. I want peace..I'm really tired.

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down in a hole

Sometimes I wish I could go back to before my dad died and just run away or end it before my life turned into what it is now. It's so hard to stay positive and keep going when everyday I have to work harder to open my eyes, to smile, talk function...while I'm smiling in everybodys face pretending to be a happy college kid truth is I'm a ticking time bomb ready to scream fuck the world and just be at peace with my parents. All the joys in my life die more and more each day. I feel like I'm an old bitter bitch trudging along from class to work to this psychological Hell that should be home constantly thinking...I don't want to do this anymore...its like I'm fighting with this monster inside that's beating me down more and more...the more I try to fight back..be strong..keep my faith...the harder the monster hits me...I'm confused, I'm hurting, and I'm lost...I dont know what to do...god help me I'm going down.

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blank

Today was the scariest day of my life. I wanna say that it wasn't my fault...but it has to be....I mad him mad...I made him yell....its my fault right?? I feel like even with thoughts racing across my mind that my minds blank....I'm about to start my shift and I'm shaking all over and I haven't been able to look anyone in eye....I feel so ashamed that I mad him so mad and he almost got taken away....I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world...like I'm not worthy....I'm scum....I believe that every word he spat out at me was right I am a dumb bitch...there's nothing about me that's good or anything that's worth being with....I'm so ashamed...I didnt deserve his sympathy....I don't deserve anyone's I suppose....everything that happens is my fault...and like he says...I deserve the outcomes of what happens....I have to learn...I have too...I hate myself so much for wanting to cry I shouldn't even be thinking of it....I brought what happened upon myself...I deserve my punishments...I'm not a good person the way I think I am...I deserve this...if I do the right things and be a good gf he'll love me and things will get better...I know they will...I have to be better...I will be better for him...I will...

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going threw it

These last few days have made me feel like I've been raked over the coals. I'm praying that everything will be better soon and that I'll get threw this ruff patch and come out,better then what I was before.

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should I stay or should I go??

Thinking if I should break-up with my boyfriend or not....I love him so much...but I can't keep taking all of this disrespect. He's made me feel so low at times...and yet so high at others....he always tells me he loves me and that he never wants me to leave...but his actions say something completely different from his words...everyday its promises after promise which turns into lie after lie and apology after apology...I wonder does he even mean the things he says now...am I a game to him? Does he just want me around so that no one else can have me? I thought when you were in love it was supposed to make you happy and set you free...it feels like I'm a prisoner to my love for him...I wish I knew what to do. I wanna leave....but everytime I start to he switches up and makes me feel like he loves me again...he butters me up so good and becomes so kind like he was before..then as soon as he has me smiling we're back at square one. Him gone in the streets and me here alone trying to figure out were we went so wrong..

in the middle

I'm having problems with my boyfriend and my family again.  As usual it all started with a smart comment made and its escalating to something very serious and I have no idea what to do.  I love my family and my boyfriend but I think both sides are wrong for starting such a petty senseless argument.  I wish my boyfriend would just shut his mouth sometimes. It gets him into such trouble.  I have a feeling the fallout from this is going to be so bad...It's hard enough battling with myself now I have this to think about. I feel so worried and scared I keep shaking and throwing up. He's yelling and being mean and just left in my car without even asking and I guess my families calling him and stuff but nobodys talked to me...It's snowing right now as I look outside. It looks so peaceful and beautiful..such the complete opposite of whats going on right now.  I hope everything calms back down soon. I don't want to see this erupt into anything worse.

untitled

It's not fair that neither one of my parents are living. I'm only 18 and I still need them.  I feel so betrayed that I had such little time with the only two people who loved me more than life itself.  Im so fucking mad! why are they gone?? I still need so much more guidance and help with my life.  I want my dad here to protect me and make sure my heart doesnt get broken.  I want my mom here to give me advice on everything....I need them to be here to hold me and tell me that life is going to get better...all I can do right now is cry all over my keyboard and stare at their pictures....I just want to feel their touch again or even for my dad to yell at me about homework and cleaning my room.  I miss my parents so much its hurts me physically and emotionally Parents arent supposed to die before their kids. It's not fair WTTTFFFFFF I want to be normal again.  I wanna bitch about my strict parents too.  I want somebody to be proud that I made the deans list or that im going to nursing school....I want to feel like somebody in this world loves me....

Thinking Of You

Everyday I struggle with being alone, waiting for you to come back home. You never call or text...you don't answer my calls...and yet..the moment you walk into the door i melt in your arms like a chocolate bar that's been sitting in the sun. Why is it that with every kiss you place upon my body I feel weaker and weaker almost like a frail child..You make me feel so good...but with that good feeling comes these feelings of insecurity, doubt, anger, confusion, and most of loneliness. My thoughts feel so scattered about in my mind...the only thing I feel certain about is that I want you here to kiss me, hold me and love me...until you leave me again..

New Hope

As I sit here wasting my time on the internet tweeting and such, I realized...something is different about today...something is different about me....I have hope for myself...that...I won't be weak...I won't give up and run away from my responsibilities....I will be different, stronger, better than my old self..I believe it's time to coax this new found self from it's shell and thrust it into the world. I hope this new train of thought lasts longer than this one moment.