down in a hole

Sometimes I wish I could go back to before my dad died and just run away or end it before my life turned into what it is now. It's so hard to stay positive and keep going when everyday I have to work harder to open my eyes, to smile, talk function...while I'm smiling in everybodys face pretending to be a happy college kid truth is I'm a ticking time bomb ready to scream fuck the world and just be at peace with my parents. All the joys in my life die more and more each day. I feel like I'm an old bitter bitch trudging along from class to work to this psychological Hell that should be home constantly thinking...I don't want to do this anymore...its like I'm fighting with this monster inside that's beating me down more and more...the more I try to fight back..be strong..keep my faith...the harder the monster hits me...I'm confused, I'm hurting, and I'm lost...I dont know what to do...god help me I'm going down.

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